Last Monday I walked in the lilacs, paying attention to which shades of purple and green I liked. I had an idea to paint a design from my coloring book onto a pair of pants I had. I went home and colored and sketched this design. Past me dreamed and longed for this type of self-trust, self assurance, permission of self to let creativity flow through me, to try something new by myself. On Monday I was in that flow.
Today I started the day with yoga and morning pages. Past me longed for a feel-good morning flow that felt right for me. Dear past me, thank you so much for speaking your desire into the world and trying and failing over and over. Now we are here together. Doing the dang thing. And guess what, it feels good to me today.
Nic, this was such a beautiful piece. I loved reading more of yours and Gent's story.
Also: remember when you wanted what you currently have? Is a very supportive question for me today so I'm very grateful to you for asking it. I am finding parenting my 3.5 year old really challenging at times at the moment (lots of tantrums!) but when I remember the pain I navigated during the fertility journey it took to bring him into the world I remind myself: what a gift this chaotic season is, soak it up, breathe through the challenging moments, just love this small human who you were so damn lucky to be able to bring into the world.
I think my favorite thing about this question is that it opens up more space for multiple things to be true inside of me at once. Like, I'm never using the question to try and gaslight or shame myself for my hard feelings (especially when those feelings arise from a life choice that I made/wanted and therefore tell myself I'm not allowed to feel!) but simply to try to hold a smidge more space for the fact that I *did* want this thing which means I can access gratitude as well.
This is such a good practice to have. My initial thought was the same, the house my husband and I live in now and how I had hoped for such a thing in the past. But also I think about two days ago when I was at work and wishing so badly I could be home, not working, and just lounging, drinking coffee and making art and hanging with my cat. I struggle with relaxing on my days off from work, always thinking about chores and errands but right now is an opportunity to enjoy the quiet moment I had longed for two days ago. It’s here now, ready to be experienced fully.
What an ongoing exploration! The one questions that moves us into sufficiency and enoughness even as we wonder what joys and magic the universe is conjuring up for us. Thank you for sharing your tender and beautiful love story! Btw my marriage memoir (which I plan to self-publish, thanks to your inspiration) asks this very question: how can I hold longing and gratitude together?
I believe it’s a much-needed memoir. Every time I mention it to someone who’s been in a long-term relationship they ask: “Where can I buy it?” and I have to say: “Nowhere. Not yet.”
I remember when you went on that trip to the UK & I legitimately can’t believe that was 5 years ago😂. Something that continues to hit me in my feels are all of the ways that things really do find a way of working themselves out when we’re clear about what we want/have a vision for ourselves.
A stunning piece of writing, full of heart-mending reflection. 🙏🏻 my daily/weekly gratitudes are helpful but I think this prompt even more gets to the heart of the kind of perspective shift I feel extremely ready for. Things have been hard (how have we never bonded about stress-induced hair loss before?) but also so much of my life is what I wanted. Thank you for this 💗💗 adore you!
This was such a beautiful piece. I remember you sent out this prompt in some email many years ago and it made a lasting impression on me. Over 20 years ago when I lived in tiny apartments in WI and MI, and worked very long hours at my very high stress job, I used to dream about living in sunny California, having a ton of animals, going on adventures, and somehow having my family close by as well. It all seemed so unattainable back then, but 20 years later, that's pretty much my current life. Although now occasionally on hard days when I'm drowning in taking care of an elderly parent and taking care of sick pets and other life obligations, I dream about running away to live in a cave somewhere where nobody needs anything from me, so maybe that's where I'll end up in the next 20 years 😂
This is such a moving and beautifully written piece. 💗 I started a practice recently (from Martha Beck) of basking/meditating in the feeling of what it would be like to already have what you want most. The idea is that we don’t actually long for the thing, we long for the feeling the thing will give us. So why not start by giving ourselves doses of that feeling right now? The biggest impact for me has been noticing that I now feel like a person who already has what she wants, which I do, in so many ways! Anyway, it’s another exploration of longing and gratitude.
Also this is SO wise (and reassuring): “sometimes you do not need to follow a discernible path in order to wind up where you wanted to be.”
This was such a beautiful - and tender - one to read, Nic 💕 Thank you for sharing more about yours and Gent’s story. Love this for the two of you!
So much of it resonates with me and my current internal landscape; reading about it brought a warm, hopeful smile to my lips, and some soft tears too - I feel seen, my challenges acknowledged, my way of existing in the world validated. My partner and I met and fell in love in San Francisco in December and the question of what home is and how to make one together has gained a whole new dimension since, also because I’ve got a European passport (and no visa). I’ve basically been living out of my suitcase for 1,5 years after a bad breakup and leaving my life as I knew it behind, adore SF and its gorgeous natural landscapes and would move here permanently in a heartbeat, and can’t even think about being in a long-distance relationship with my partner on a different continent (just too heartbreaking).
I’d be curious to hear if you two have any rituals that help you check-in with each other on a regular basis and cultivate a conscious, intentional way of making decisions together.
The one that comes to mind is that every equinox and solstice we go to the same restaurant for brunch and then come home and have a bonfire over which we talk about the past season and the season ahead. It's one of my favorite traditions we've cultivated 💜
During the tough times around 2008 my husband and I used to say to each other Arugula! Because we were planting greens and herbs in a container on our deck and it felt like hope (plus arugula! Is spicy and requires an explanation point!). Thanks for the smile and the reminder that, even though we are in an Arugula! time again and looking towards a future that we want but don’t quite have yet (we need a new code term for that) that it’s out there and it will yet come.
I love this journaling prompt - I've already written it on a new page in my journal! I can't wait to explore this more, because (like nearly everyone) I tend to feel the need to desire for more, and more, and more, without paying as close attention to what I already have that fulfills me. And even more so, I let myself dismiss the reminders of my past dreamings in order to continue looking ahead to the future (what can be better? what can change? how do I prepare, cope-ahead for what's to come?), when my realized dreams are my present reality. I really grateful for this reading today, Nic, thank you!
As we approach the one year mark of moving to Ann Arbor and settling in close to family, in a house I definitely do not plan on packing up for *at least* a decade (preferably like 5; I am also close that 30-ish-residences-since-high-school), with a vast and deep community of friends and local connections, I want to just read this over and over. The satisfaction struggle is so real—for me, as a parent and a small business owner, always ruminating on what I could be doing "better", more efficiently or effectively or both, how to be more present, etc etc etc–and this reflection is so grounding. Years ago, living a place that felt like SUCH a Not-Right-Fit with very little kids and a pandemic raging, I fantasized about exactly where I am right now. I definitely wanted so many of the things I currently have, and I love that for me. :)
I love this! <3 I’m currently laying down in bed in a home that I own, with a cat on my lap, two beautiful children napping, and as a stay at home mom. With a career to go back to when/if I want. Very blessed. I remember wanting all of these things!! Beautiful writing, thank you.
Remember when you wanted what you currently have?
Last Monday I walked in the lilacs, paying attention to which shades of purple and green I liked. I had an idea to paint a design from my coloring book onto a pair of pants I had. I went home and colored and sketched this design. Past me dreamed and longed for this type of self-trust, self assurance, permission of self to let creativity flow through me, to try something new by myself. On Monday I was in that flow.
Today I started the day with yoga and morning pages. Past me longed for a feel-good morning flow that felt right for me. Dear past me, thank you so much for speaking your desire into the world and trying and failing over and over. Now we are here together. Doing the dang thing. And guess what, it feels good to me today.
This is so lovely, Emily 💜
I love this for you and Gent so very much. ♥️
Thanks Nancy :)
Nic, this was such a beautiful piece. I loved reading more of yours and Gent's story.
Also: remember when you wanted what you currently have? Is a very supportive question for me today so I'm very grateful to you for asking it. I am finding parenting my 3.5 year old really challenging at times at the moment (lots of tantrums!) but when I remember the pain I navigated during the fertility journey it took to bring him into the world I remind myself: what a gift this chaotic season is, soak it up, breathe through the challenging moments, just love this small human who you were so damn lucky to be able to bring into the world.
Grateful for you and your words, always 💛
Aw, thanks Jen!
I think my favorite thing about this question is that it opens up more space for multiple things to be true inside of me at once. Like, I'm never using the question to try and gaslight or shame myself for my hard feelings (especially when those feelings arise from a life choice that I made/wanted and therefore tell myself I'm not allowed to feel!) but simply to try to hold a smidge more space for the fact that I *did* want this thing which means I can access gratitude as well.
This is such a good practice to have. My initial thought was the same, the house my husband and I live in now and how I had hoped for such a thing in the past. But also I think about two days ago when I was at work and wishing so badly I could be home, not working, and just lounging, drinking coffee and making art and hanging with my cat. I struggle with relaxing on my days off from work, always thinking about chores and errands but right now is an opportunity to enjoy the quiet moment I had longed for two days ago. It’s here now, ready to be experienced fully.
"It’s here now, ready to be experienced fully." love!
" I struggle with relaxing on my days off from work, always thinking about chores and errands" meeeee
What an ongoing exploration! The one questions that moves us into sufficiency and enoughness even as we wonder what joys and magic the universe is conjuring up for us. Thank you for sharing your tender and beautiful love story! Btw my marriage memoir (which I plan to self-publish, thanks to your inspiration) asks this very question: how can I hold longing and gratitude together?
It sounds like a beautiful memoir, Uma!
I believe it’s a much-needed memoir. Every time I mention it to someone who’s been in a long-term relationship they ask: “Where can I buy it?” and I have to say: “Nowhere. Not yet.”
I remember when you went on that trip to the UK & I legitimately can’t believe that was 5 years ago😂. Something that continues to hit me in my feels are all of the ways that things really do find a way of working themselves out when we’re clear about what we want/have a vision for ourselves.
I literally did the math three separate times to be like FIVE YEARS AGO REALLY??? lol
Got chills and had a brief sob out loud while reading this one. Thanks Nic!
A stunning piece of writing, full of heart-mending reflection. 🙏🏻 my daily/weekly gratitudes are helpful but I think this prompt even more gets to the heart of the kind of perspective shift I feel extremely ready for. Things have been hard (how have we never bonded about stress-induced hair loss before?) but also so much of my life is what I wanted. Thank you for this 💗💗 adore you!
Adore you right back, babe! Add hair loss to the agenda for our next round of voice notes 😂
This was such a beautiful piece. I remember you sent out this prompt in some email many years ago and it made a lasting impression on me. Over 20 years ago when I lived in tiny apartments in WI and MI, and worked very long hours at my very high stress job, I used to dream about living in sunny California, having a ton of animals, going on adventures, and somehow having my family close by as well. It all seemed so unattainable back then, but 20 years later, that's pretty much my current life. Although now occasionally on hard days when I'm drowning in taking care of an elderly parent and taking care of sick pets and other life obligations, I dream about running away to live in a cave somewhere where nobody needs anything from me, so maybe that's where I'll end up in the next 20 years 😂
This is such a moving and beautifully written piece. 💗 I started a practice recently (from Martha Beck) of basking/meditating in the feeling of what it would be like to already have what you want most. The idea is that we don’t actually long for the thing, we long for the feeling the thing will give us. So why not start by giving ourselves doses of that feeling right now? The biggest impact for me has been noticing that I now feel like a person who already has what she wants, which I do, in so many ways! Anyway, it’s another exploration of longing and gratitude.
Also this is SO wise (and reassuring): “sometimes you do not need to follow a discernible path in order to wind up where you wanted to be.”
"The idea is that we don’t actually long for the thing, we long for the feeling the thing will give us." THIS!!!
What a great reminder.💚
This was such a beautiful - and tender - one to read, Nic 💕 Thank you for sharing more about yours and Gent’s story. Love this for the two of you!
So much of it resonates with me and my current internal landscape; reading about it brought a warm, hopeful smile to my lips, and some soft tears too - I feel seen, my challenges acknowledged, my way of existing in the world validated. My partner and I met and fell in love in San Francisco in December and the question of what home is and how to make one together has gained a whole new dimension since, also because I’ve got a European passport (and no visa). I’ve basically been living out of my suitcase for 1,5 years after a bad breakup and leaving my life as I knew it behind, adore SF and its gorgeous natural landscapes and would move here permanently in a heartbeat, and can’t even think about being in a long-distance relationship with my partner on a different continent (just too heartbreaking).
I’d be curious to hear if you two have any rituals that help you check-in with each other on a regular basis and cultivate a conscious, intentional way of making decisions together.
The one that comes to mind is that every equinox and solstice we go to the same restaurant for brunch and then come home and have a bonfire over which we talk about the past season and the season ahead. It's one of my favorite traditions we've cultivated 💜
Sounds like a wonderful tradition! And I love that it’s in sync with the seasons 🥰
During the tough times around 2008 my husband and I used to say to each other Arugula! Because we were planting greens and herbs in a container on our deck and it felt like hope (plus arugula! Is spicy and requires an explanation point!). Thanks for the smile and the reminder that, even though we are in an Arugula! time again and looking towards a future that we want but don’t quite have yet (we need a new code term for that) that it’s out there and it will yet come.
Arugula! love this :)
I love this journaling prompt - I've already written it on a new page in my journal! I can't wait to explore this more, because (like nearly everyone) I tend to feel the need to desire for more, and more, and more, without paying as close attention to what I already have that fulfills me. And even more so, I let myself dismiss the reminders of my past dreamings in order to continue looking ahead to the future (what can be better? what can change? how do I prepare, cope-ahead for what's to come?), when my realized dreams are my present reality. I really grateful for this reading today, Nic, thank you!
As we approach the one year mark of moving to Ann Arbor and settling in close to family, in a house I definitely do not plan on packing up for *at least* a decade (preferably like 5; I am also close that 30-ish-residences-since-high-school), with a vast and deep community of friends and local connections, I want to just read this over and over. The satisfaction struggle is so real—for me, as a parent and a small business owner, always ruminating on what I could be doing "better", more efficiently or effectively or both, how to be more present, etc etc etc–and this reflection is so grounding. Years ago, living a place that felt like SUCH a Not-Right-Fit with very little kids and a pandemic raging, I fantasized about exactly where I am right now. I definitely wanted so many of the things I currently have, and I love that for me. :)
I love this! <3 I’m currently laying down in bed in a home that I own, with a cat on my lap, two beautiful children napping, and as a stay at home mom. With a career to go back to when/if I want. Very blessed. I remember wanting all of these things!! Beautiful writing, thank you.