“But I find that I am now bored by that question, by its lack of nuance and self-compassion, its ignorance of the fact that to be human is to wander away — from ourselves, each other, our rituals and practices, everything — and to then return again.”
I am bored with SO MANY QUESTIONS that I used to ask about myself and why I do or don’t do the things I do and don’t do. We all wander and we all return again, the same but different.
Mmmm, I feel this so deeply. It helps to see my commitments in the shape of a rhythm or a melody instead of an ascending or a stationary line. That way, I can see (and ideally accept!) how my humanity can live within the range of that composition.
Love this piece! Whether you write or not, you’re still you. Writing doesn’t add or detract from who you are. It’s just another identity you get to hold lightly.
Love! This reminded me of a great quote from “The Argonauts:”
“I know now that a studied evasiveness has its own limitations, its own ways of inhibiting certain forms of happiness and pleasure… The pleasure of recognizing that one may have to undergo the same realizations, write the same notes in the margin, return to the same themes in one’s work, relearn the same emotional truths, write the same book over and over again - not because one is stupid or obstinate or incapable of change, but because such revisitations constitute a life.”
I’m stuck on this and will be thinking about it for the foreseeable future: “Am I willing to stop punishing myself for my limitations and begin the sweet, tender work of welcoming and embracing them instead?” WOOF.
I love this and relate to it so much with my running practice. I sign up for races, train hard, burn out, stop running, then wander back feeling shame because I took so much time off and it feels hard again. I love the thought that wandering away is part of the practice and it makes it worth while. Plus breaks are important. 🧡
Oof yeah, that is exactly how I always feel when I start training for long-distance hiking. It's so physically HARD at the beginning when I haven't done it in a while, and I'm always like "welllll, if you wouldn't have taken so much time away it wouldn't feel so hard" — and yet I obviously need the time away, so 💜
I’m regularly reminding myself that I’m not ever stopping or “restarting” with my practice (and this relates to many practices in my life such as movement habits, writing, etc). It’s all one continuous journey. It feels so much less exhausting to simply continue where I am, rather than always starting again.
Love the reflection on amazement of what pre-burn out you was able to accomplish. I relate SO HARD. Like wow, so amazed and in awe of that past self, but in lots of ways more proud of the version of myself that truly honors my capacity, limited bandwidth, and boundaries surrounding exploiting myself (especially my brain). Grateful for your reflections in this piece. <3
I have a friend that always tells me, “practice makes progress,” and I couldn’t help but think of her while reading this. Recovering from burnout myself has been a long battle, but enveloping that self-compassion is so key to regeneration I think. I love the idea that retuning to the practice is also part of the practice itself! What is a practice if not something we continue to return to, time and time again? I need this reminder just as much as everyone else, and this essay definitely eased my soul with the reminder. Thank you as always, Nic!
I am very curious about what I will read in your Wild Letters next year. Feels as if I can be a small small part of a mysterious puzzle. Exciting!
I have this experience of returning to the practice with reading books. For many years I read a lot of books. Then for years not a single one. I started two years ago with reading again and really started with 10 or 20 pages each day. This summer I felt so connected with a few books like I felt when I was 10 years old.
"I will of course still wander away from my practice many times throughout the year." I love that you're reminding yourself of this, before you enter the year, friend. Yes. You will. And, you will return.
Everyone pay attention to this paragraph!
“But I find that I am now bored by that question, by its lack of nuance and self-compassion, its ignorance of the fact that to be human is to wander away — from ourselves, each other, our rituals and practices, everything — and to then return again.”
I am bored with SO MANY QUESTIONS that I used to ask about myself and why I do or don’t do the things I do and don’t do. We all wander and we all return again, the same but different.
PS LOVE your hair Nic!
Aw, thanks Ginn!
YES! I re-read this three times before moving on! So good. So true.
Mmmm, I feel this so deeply. It helps to see my commitments in the shape of a rhythm or a melody instead of an ascending or a stationary line. That way, I can see (and ideally accept!) how my humanity can live within the range of that composition.
Okay wow I *love* this perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Love this piece! Whether you write or not, you’re still you. Writing doesn’t add or detract from who you are. It’s just another identity you get to hold lightly.
Thanks, Uma 💜
Love! This reminded me of a great quote from “The Argonauts:”
“I know now that a studied evasiveness has its own limitations, its own ways of inhibiting certain forms of happiness and pleasure… The pleasure of recognizing that one may have to undergo the same realizations, write the same notes in the margin, return to the same themes in one’s work, relearn the same emotional truths, write the same book over and over again - not because one is stupid or obstinate or incapable of change, but because such revisitations constitute a life.”
I’m stuck on this and will be thinking about it for the foreseeable future: “Am I willing to stop punishing myself for my limitations and begin the sweet, tender work of welcoming and embracing them instead?” WOOF.
I love this so much. Bookmarking for the future inevitable times of returning. <3
I love this and relate to it so much with my running practice. I sign up for races, train hard, burn out, stop running, then wander back feeling shame because I took so much time off and it feels hard again. I love the thought that wandering away is part of the practice and it makes it worth while. Plus breaks are important. 🧡
Oof yeah, that is exactly how I always feel when I start training for long-distance hiking. It's so physically HARD at the beginning when I haven't done it in a while, and I'm always like "welllll, if you wouldn't have taken so much time away it wouldn't feel so hard" — and yet I obviously need the time away, so 💜
I’m regularly reminding myself that I’m not ever stopping or “restarting” with my practice (and this relates to many practices in my life such as movement habits, writing, etc). It’s all one continuous journey. It feels so much less exhausting to simply continue where I am, rather than always starting again.
Sooo much less exhausting, yes. Thanks for sharing this perspective!
Love the reflection on amazement of what pre-burn out you was able to accomplish. I relate SO HARD. Like wow, so amazed and in awe of that past self, but in lots of ways more proud of the version of myself that truly honors my capacity, limited bandwidth, and boundaries surrounding exploiting myself (especially my brain). Grateful for your reflections in this piece. <3
Yes yes yes totally relate to being more proud of current me <3
I have a friend that always tells me, “practice makes progress,” and I couldn’t help but think of her while reading this. Recovering from burnout myself has been a long battle, but enveloping that self-compassion is so key to regeneration I think. I love the idea that retuning to the practice is also part of the practice itself! What is a practice if not something we continue to return to, time and time again? I need this reminder just as much as everyone else, and this essay definitely eased my soul with the reminder. Thank you as always, Nic!
I am very curious about what I will read in your Wild Letters next year. Feels as if I can be a small small part of a mysterious puzzle. Exciting!
I have this experience of returning to the practice with reading books. For many years I read a lot of books. Then for years not a single one. I started two years ago with reading again and really started with 10 or 20 pages each day. This summer I felt so connected with a few books like I felt when I was 10 years old.
The puzzle is just as mysterious to me lol
"I will of course still wander away from my practice many times throughout the year." I love that you're reminding yourself of this, before you enter the year, friend. Yes. You will. And, you will return.