The assassin obsession
or: how to choose a goal
Wild Letters is a newsletter about self-exploration and building a right-fit life.
Thank you for being here with me!
This is the second installment of a little series I’m doing in the lead-up to making an attempt on the women’s self-supported speed record on the Arizona Trail (part 1 is here).
The Arizona Trail passes through the ancestral and current homelands of the Tohono O’odham, Hohokam, Sobaipuri, Western Apache, Pueblo, and Havasupai peoples (among others). At the end of March I will be redistributing 20% of this month’s newsletter income to: Wood For Life (which uses wood from forest restoration efforts to fuel Indigenous communities that rely on firewood to heat their homes) and Seventh Generation Fund (which is dedicated to Indigenous Peoples’ self-determination and the sovereignty of Native nations).
Thank you so much, truly, for making this redistribution possible with your paid subscriptions to Wild Letters. And thank you as well for all the supportive comments on last week’s letter. You’ll never know just how much your encouraging words mean to me!
My dear reader.
A few weeks ago my friend Meg came over to keep me company while I sorted through my backpacking gear, putting things into the various piles of what I think I’ll want to bring with me on the Arizona Trail.
“This is the sun hoodie I’m planning to wear,” I told them, trying it on.
“Wow,” they said, “that makes you look like a total desert assassin.”
I squealed in delight. “Oh my god, Meg, that is exactly what I’m going for.”
The synchronicity lit me up — I had never mentioned my assassin obsession to them before, and yet somehow that same (and very specific) vibe was now coming through.
Okay, I should probably pause here to say that I don’t aspire to be a real assassin. I’d like to assume it could go without saying that the allure isn’t about killing people, stealthily or otherwise, but, you know, just so we’re clear.
So then, what? What is my assassin obsession really about?
I don’t quite remember when this particular fascination first began, but here’s something I do remember.
It was late June of 2017 and I was in Sacramento, ready to cheer for my beloved friend Kate as she competed at the US Track and Field Championships with a goal of earning a coveted spot on that year’s World Championship team. It was well over 100 degrees that week, and when I wasn’t losing my voice in the sweltering stands at the track I was hiding in the shade of an umbrella by the motel pool, listening to Throne of Glass on audiobook.
I won’t give anything away about this fun series, except to say that the protagonist is a trained assassin whose lethal prowess is notoriously feared. It was my favorite thing about her — the physical dexterity, mental calm, carefully honed instincts, quick problem solving, and big don’t-fuck-with-me attitude that came from years and years of intense training. What would that be like, I wondered, to be so self-assured in your skills, to have such a deep trust in your own body and mind, to know that you could handle yourself in any situation?